The New Year

The end of the year is a time of reflection for most people. Myself included. Sometimes, a celebration of the accomplishments and joy of the past year. Sometimes, a time of looking back on regrets and disappointments, refusing to allow this "next year" to fall into that same pattern. The New Year is often a statement of "letting go", "moving on", "going after what you really want" (which in a skewed sense reminds me of Phil 3:13), but more often then not we make it about, becoming a version of yourself that you would rather be. Almost a way of saying, I don't really like who I have been the last 20+ years...here's to a quick fix in the next 365 days and turning that all around.

But our lives don't always turn out how we wanted them to, do they.
We lose that job...
He walks out and breaks your heart...
They moved away...
The money doesn't come through in time...
She gets sick and passes away...
We feel lost, alone, confused...
Convinced that "it wasn't supposed to be like this." So at the end of the year, we declare that it won't be like this again. That I am in control of my year. And my hope is in this list that I am writing. That if I accomplish A-Z I will be the better version of me. I won't get that hurt again. I will be "happier".

No.

I don't want my hope to be in myself. Or my accomplishments. Or in becoming the type of person who I have always wanted to be. Heck or even trying to become the version of myself I think that people want. I know that road. It is long and painful, and it is messy to get out of. I don't want to cling to anything besides Him.

Here's the thing. I want Jesus. And as great as resolutions are...I want Jesus, who died for this part of me. The part that is messy, and doubts herself, gets confused, and more often than not has to scream for God to come through in a situation after I royally screw it up. I want the Jesus who died for me, on a cross 2000 years ago, fully aware of what He was doing, and who He was dying for. He died for all of us. Before we "clean ourselves up." Before that thought of, "Well in this next year, I am going to accomplish this list of 5 things...you know...so I can see how God came through...

Stop writing your own story and only allowing God to read over the final draft...because we are upset when He doesn't edit it exactly how we wanted. By creating a list of how we want to see Him come through...we are not allowing Him to come through at all.
It is like allowing Him to read the story over our shoulders, not even letting Him turn the page, when HE IS THE ONE WHO WROTE THE ENTIRE BOOK. He is the author of all creation. He knows what the heck he is doing. My life is a whole lot better in the hands of the Almighty God, than in the hands of myself. That's for dang sure.

I'm tired of praying safe prayers. I'm tired of trying to fit into the world. This week it had clicked for me. We are in the world, not of it. So it is OKAY to feel like this. Heck in John 17 Jesus explains exactly that. As believers, we called to be set apart. It is trying to fit a square peg into a circular hole. WE DON'T FIT.

For the first time in 10 years, I am not making a resolution. I guess I don't really see the reason for it now. How does waking up to His new mercies on December 31st make a difference to waking up to his new mercies on January 1st? Who knows. All I know is every fiber of my being wants to bring Him glory. And I am also aware that I fall short of that every single day. But more than that, I am aware that Jesus is in control of everything. And at the end of the day, that is all I need. I don't need any joy apart from Him. The Father has lavished His love upon us, his creation. He delights in us. And He is the most pleased when we are in communion with Him. So...resolution or not, let us remember our Creator, Savior, and Holy Spirit.

And PRAISE THE LORD for that. Let us not get so caught up in the day to day that we forget what He has brought us out of. Think back to where you were 4 years ago on New Years Eve. Got it? I cannot begin to fathom a God who redeemed myself from the depth of that destruction. Yet I am here. And He still is with me. Goodness my heart is overwhelmed with His love.

Here's to 2014! To God be all the glory.

Reflecting

As I watched the waves crashing onto the shore yesterday, it's such a sweet reminder of how God's love is with us. It keeps coming. Whether through storms or low tide, the waves don't stop. Just because it looks different than what it did, they are still always there. He loves me when I am on my knees, face-down in prayer, just as much as He does when I am face-down in the middle of my sin. I still don't understand a love that deep and that good.

The waves are how God's grace is, at least with me. I come to what feels like my end, that this must be the hardest moment of my life, and His grace comes swooping down to save me, brings me back on my feet, and carries me through. Then I look back on all of the other times, convinced I had already reached the hardest moments, and He has carried me through it all. He is always saving us, and is so faithful through it.

This was a difficult year. Yet I am standing on the brink of a new chapter, ready to close the final page of the last one, all wrapped up in knowing that I am His. And then I realize I've been reflecting on this year all wrong. That He was constantly saving me. Jesus, you came down to me every day.

This year, He brought me to serve His people in Haiti. To love on the most beautiful faces I have ever known who forever stay etched in my memory. And from that He sparked a passion to love and serve His children that has not gone away since.

This year, He opened my heart again to what human love should look like on this earth; bearing your all, giving all that you have, constantly asking forgiveness for falling short. Of the person who knows the dirtiest part of your soul, yet looks you dead in the eye and says I love every single piece of you.

This year was full of constant laughter, sunsets, hugs, ice cream, and worship.

Full of days without a cloud in the sky, days where I start running and never want to stop, along with days when the only thing I have left in me is You to cling to.

This year, His goodness gave me exactly what I had asked for, along with the assurance that it will never be enough - that only Jesus can satisfy our souls.

This year, He brought my best friend back to me. He brought back to life things that I had sworn had already been done.

This year, He brought me back to Egypt. A place I have loved more than any soil I've ever stepped on. 

His grace has never stopped covering me once.

This year, He provided for the friends closest to my heart as He takes them on the path He has written out for them.

You showed your grace. You brought down your son. You call me your daughter. You brought me out of death and gave me new life. Yes, this was a hard year, but Jesus you never stopped showing up. Even when I swore that you were completely silent Lord. You were right there - in the midst of my sin you were right there pulling me in even closer to you. Teaching me that we have to turn from our ways, from ourself, to walk with you. You brought me to the place of brokenness, of total surrender, of utter dependance, to run to you that could not have been paved any other way. He uses everything. Because even through all of it, He never lets go of our hands once. I am aware that the actual hardest moment of my life is probably not behind me. Yet He is always by my side. Even through the pain, He has a purpose. And even when I can't see it, I have faith that He can.

And I would do it 1000x over and over to have it lead me back to You.

Our sin is great,
You love is greater 

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 
2 Corinthians 12:8-10

I think I am beginning to understand. Asking for the burden to leave is not the point. This whole year, begging and pleading, "Lord please take this away...I'm not strong enough...I can't do it...please take it from me...I want to choose you over this...I can't stop giving in" And the whole time He's been whispering ever so softly...Chrissy, I am made perfect in your weakness...I am preparing you. I won't take this away yet because you are growing...even through each time you keep screwing up...I am preparing you. My daughter, I know you desire me but stay clung to the world. One day soon you will throw it all aside and run to me. Love me. Remember me. The day is coming...but for right now, I am perfect in your weakness.

That day finally came. 

And it didn't come without sweat. It didn't come without tears. It didn't come without kicking and screaming through the last year. It didn't come without fully surrendering every desire and love of my heart in order to choose Him. Not based on circumstance. Not based on feeling. Not based on relationships. But because He is Lord. And that is enough.

I am overwhelmed with the unrelenting love of my Savior. 

Tonight. The temptation that entangles my soul came right back into range. Of course it did, the devil is sneaky that way. Just when the peace has started to settle in. Just when you feel the Holy Spirit literally dwelling in your soul...cue your weakness. But my Lord reigns over all. And He always wins. "For when I am weak, then I am strong." Because the Holy Spirit now lives in me, it's not in my power anymore - and thank GOD for that. The devil says, take this...it's what you know. But God says let it go. My child...let it go before it takes everything away again.

Lord right now you call me here. And I now have the power in me to say no to selfish desires, and to run to you. This whole year was a preparation - for a call to stay. But also to be able to sit in tonight, strong in Christ, in His power. He is stronger than the worst temptations of my heart. And He overcame it in my soul. It's not about asking Him to take the burden away. It's about what He is doing through it. Why is the burden so light? 

Because Jesus finally set me FREE.

Okay God, this is me waving my white flag. I surrender.

Being such a control freak has definitely gotten the best of me at times. And I guess when control is lost, you crave to find something else that will fill it - even if it is a toxic relationship you should have let go of. Crazy how situations start looking so familiar - old habits die hard? Crave crave crave. That's how I can sum up the last few months. Along with trying my best to find everything to try and satisfy that craving besides Jesus - all because of the overwhelming desire I have in the back of my head to try and do all of this on my own. One of those "if it's my problem, then I have to fix it" type of deals.

I know that growing up left me with a combination of restlessness and a deep craving for stability. It goes with the "something is better than nothing" attitude I have too often. But "something" still leaves you empty. "Something" has negatively affected every single solid relationship you've got - Chrissy wake up. This is the exact situation you put yourself in three years ago, five years ago...wake up.

How can we learn to stop being so stubborn. To start learning to take other people's advice - and that when we take a good look at our own hearts we realize they are too wrecked to try and mend on our own.

Jesus Jesus Jesus. Heal me. Heal all of this. You know I try and do this on my own - but I am done. Hear my prayer.

I guess I could say that life is weird sometimes. We can block out parts that we want to forget happened. And over the last year I have done a great job at that. Also heard this song for the first time yesterday - left me sobbing before it even ended. I guess you could say it was a good reminder of His grace - Jesus the healer and redeemer. 

I have come too far. God's brought me through too much to give up now. I refuse to crawl back into old patterns. Jesus bring me out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Tu6NQ4L01w

Well that didn't go according to plan..

On my run this morning, all I could think about (besides the fact that it was painstakingly humid outside) were all of the lies we hear in our heads every day. And with these lies, how quickly do our minds automatically bolt into assuming there is truth in them.

In the span of one week, my best friend got a job in a state she just moved to, and I lost my job with a company I have been with for two years. And all I can hear since is what did she do right and what did I do wrong? The same goes with relationships - when I have been to more weddings then I can count, yet I struggle to even start a new relationship with someone, because that leads to vulnerability. So what am I doing wrong?

Am I really alone in this? In the American culture, we're taught if you work hard enough - you will make the grades, get the job, win the game. If you look pretty - people will like you. If people like you -they'll fall in love with you. And if none of this happens, then clearly we are not working hard enough, or we are doing something wrong.

Yet Jesus is constantly reminding us that our merit means absolutely nothing. But sometimes I wish that it did. How is it that when I sin, I feel horrible receiving his forgiveness and grace. I feel as if I'm too dirty for Him to wipe it all clean. Like I have to earn my worth again before I confess, come to Him, etc.

Yet I still want my obedience to mean something. It's especially hard when we are obedient to Him, prayerfully doing our best to follow Him, and a door still closes. We are left confused. God did I not listen properly? Am I still not "good enough" for you to continue blessing me?

But when I came home from my run this morning, I read a verse in Romans 3, stating "There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good." But this is the good news - because my Lord Jesus justifies us freely! Our righteousness and goodness come through HIM. We can't do anything to earn this - or better yet, have it taken away.

So yes, deciding to stay in Orlando four months ago because of my best friend and my job turned out to look differently than I thought it would - since both are now gone. I cannot help but feel like a total failure. But I am still here. When every fiber of my being wants to flee, I am still here. So nothing went according to my plan. And with nothing left to cling to God, I am listening with outstretched arms, ready to finally listen to what You want.

My trust is in you Lord. I am truly learning that you love me at my worst and at my best. And that regardless of any situation, you will continue to walk through it with me. It's a love I struggle to comprehend, because it doesn't make sense. But above all, this is the greatest news in the world.

At the end of it all, I want to come to Jesus exhausted. I want to come to him dirty, out of breath, physically unable to go one more day. I want to have given him everything I could offer.
I want to be able to finish the race. And for him to smile and be proud.
For Jesus Christ, the healer and redeemer of the universe, to give me a high five and a huge hug.
And for him to say, "GOOD JOB! 
YOU DID IT!!! 
WELCOME HOME MY DAUGHTER!"

The last few months I feel as if I have been walking around blind, without much direction. The future seems so far off it's blurred, and my ambitions are hazy at best. News flash Chrissy: the future you've been putting off is now...when are you going to wake up. When is life going to slap me across the face and say "Listen, things have changed. Why don't you accept it instead of walking around on auto-pilot for another few months." When do we get to the point where our minds realize things are different instead of faking some sort of false past reality?

Why in the back of your head you are so terrified of rejection, it's worth the risk of never letting anyone in. Masking all of it with cracking jokes and alcohol only keeps anyone from realizing there is something going on. You get so used to tricking everyone, after awhile you begin to fool yourself. And then you forget what is reality.