5 weeks

Until the end of the year. 2010 will finally be over. This whole year, this awful, horrible year, all I've wondered is how did I get here? What have I turned myself into?

"The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace"

Why do I have such a hold on how I want my life to go. And surrender everything I believe in when things don't go as I planned. It made me completely aware of how capable I am of screwing life up.

The times you doubt me. When you can't feel.

The times that you question, "Is this for real?"

Good things did happen this year. But when your worst nightmare comes true, when you literally feel you've walked through hell, when you want it to end. your heart changes.

And despite that I've gotten better, I know I still have a long way to go. But I can't wait until this year is finally over.

we all have mirrors that remind us who we are

do you want to see it?

the place where i am free?

cause in my mind i've been there

and there's no one here but me.

in the morning it'll find you

let the light shine away

Answers

The last week was a rough one. Praise God it was the first bad week I've had in almost two months. Can't get over that!

Wednesday hit me like a ton of bricks, starting at 8am in class. Talk about wanting to cry the whole time. The whole class all I was thinking was how much I wanted it to end so I could go home, crawl into bed, and not climb out for 2 weeks. I tell myself all the time I deserve every consequence He throws my way. And it was miserable. And feeling like a hypocrite was the worst. So yeah, thinking about it the entire day is an understatement.

When I finally met with Julia, happy that we would probably talk about something else; the sorority, my dad, anything else, what does she make me do? Talk her through the whole day that happened. All I could think was "you've got to be kidding me." A day I try not to ever think about. The absolute worst day of my life, and she wants details. So I start from the beginning, in pretty good detail for not thinking about some of this stuff in months. Regardless, I end up in tears at the end. What a terrible freakin day.

When I got home, all I could think about the awful mess I am capable of making my life into. And how many things I wish I could take back. And why would Jesus ever forgive me if I can't. So instead of opening my bible looking for answers, I watched One Tree Hill. Good.

Halfway into the show, this song comes on in the background. I loved it instantly. So I randomly pause the show to google this song trying to find it. The second I started reading the lyrics I was floored. I know that the two biggest ways I connect to God is through nature and music. These lyrics was God shouting at me, saying "I am bigger than the rain. And the sun. And to stop trying to run away from him every single time the rain comes back."

"You carried all my shame

when you called my name.

I am not the same."

- Andrew Ripp "You Will Find Me"

Or maybe it's you and your sick need

to give love and take it away.

And you'll add my name to your long list of traitors

Who don't understand.

And i'll look back in regret, how I ignored when they said

Run as fast as you can.

and everyday

you come closer to me

everyday you are more real to me

more and more you fit me like my skin

more and more our love wears this veil thin

you hold me like a lover

you laugh with me like a friend

and you fill me with this longing

so you can come and be my satisfaction

Bit by bit

I am slowly getting better. Life is getting easier.

Even with running, I ran nine on Monday. NINE! The last time I ran that far? Beginning of January. I am finally getting back to myself.

Today was the first run that I actually got faster as I ran.

Granted I only ran 4 miles, but I am finally loving it again. Pounding on the pavement in this amazing weather, blasting my favorite music...life is good again. And ok maybe I'm still not at the pace I used to be at, but bit by bit I am getting better. And running and life, are slowly becoming easier.

"I don't fear tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday"

It doesn't happen overnight,

but you turn around

and a month's gone by.

And you realize

you haven't cried.