Peace

In the craziness of this week, which could possibly be one of the most stressful weeks of life, where everything is constantly go-go-go, i find peace.

I find stillness.

There is nothing anxious about this moment.

Except that tomorrow will come and go just as fast as it always does. Prayer is a powerful thing.

I think I am just thankful. And way too blessed. Beyond anything that I deserve.

I love that though, the permanent anxiousness is gone. And the constant feeling of unrest. Things started turning around when I realized I don't have to do this on my own. And today being able to reflect over the last 8 or 9 months with Julia made me realize how much God has allowed me to grow. She has impacted me more then I think she will ever know.

It's a process, and it's a long one. And it forces you to stop running away. But I don't think I wanted to believe that going in. I wanted instant peace. And I wanted to bring it about myself, I think the problem all along was that I always thought I could.

I think the day it changed was at the end of summer. After months of no sleep. And finding every job to fill the book. And constantly running away from the problem. And just complete exhaustion, I fell on my face. Literally. I remember just hitting the ground, sobbing and crying hysterically on my bedroom floor because nothing was getting better. I was broken and tired. I couldn't get up on my own anymore.

The friends that come down and meet you in the darkness are the ones that matter. Especially the ones who are patient with you when you refuse to leave it. Especially the ones who they help guide you out. Or the friend who lays down next to you while you cry your eyes out and constantly tell you it doesn't have to be this way. And want to be at least a part of helping fix it. For the record, Rachy is best friend in the world.

So I can sit here now, in this crazy stillness, looking at a list of all that has to get done, and knowing tomorrow will be nuts. But I'm not anxious. And knowing I will get a full nights rest. And for the record there is a huge difference between sleep and rest. And despite the fact I'm about to switch the route of my major, and failing my first class in college, and having no clue what I'm going to do in a year when I graduate, I am at peace. And at the end of the day, none of those things define me.

I am in Christ. And despite everything, and every event and situation that's happened, none of that makes me who I am. But every event and situation led me to who He designed me to be. It's crazy, insane, and wonderful all at the same time. It's God. It's Jesus. It's love.

And I can look at the list on my bulletin board Lindsay made me in August and believe it: Repent, forgive yourself, bring it to the light, let it go, move on.

I thought she was nuts. There was no way any of this could happen.

And it's been a process, and I'm not even sure if it's over yet. But it's real. And I have peace. And forgiveness. And friends who met me in the dark. And I am so thankful.

"I'm so forgetful but you always remind me, You're the only one who brings me peace"

I am

I am the nail in your wrist,

but you love me anyway.

I am Judas's kiss,

but you love me anyway.

I am the one who yelled out from the crowd

for your blood to be spilled

on this earth shaking ground.

Yes then I turned away

with a smile on my face.

With this sin in my heart

tried to bury your grace.

Then alone in the night

I still called out for you.

Learning

I think for the longest time I tried to make sense of all of it. That there was a reason for it all and that my happy ending was going to be so immense, and so great, that there would be no way to imagine arriving at it a different way. But that's not always the case. Actually it never is.

I'm constantly trying to find a reason. As we all do. Why did this happen. Who can I blame. Why me. There has to be a reason. But reason has it's limits. It might just not make sense, because reason will fail. Even more, I will fail. But love doesn't. Grace doesn't. Jesus doesn't.

"It took more then my strength to simply be still. To seek but never find."

But sometimes, things that seem unreasonable, can slowly begin to make sense. And it took a year. But I am realizing I have a much bigger part in this story than I ever began to imagine. And He has a far greater plan.

I guess you could say I'm learning that I'm learning. Humility is beautiful.

The sky has made it back to blue.

Everything that's left is telling us

the worst of it is through