For as much as she stumbled she's running.

For as much as she runs she's still here.

Always trying to find something quicker than heaven

To make the damage of her days disappear.

Holy cowwww

Talk about a sermon hitting you right in the face. During the week that I've had more flashbacks then I have in the last year, and done more sulking and spending too much time focused on regret. And refusal to move forward. And trying to keep it all in. Smacked right in the face.

"If you did it willfully. And you just said 'You know what? Forget it. I'll do what I want. If this is how life is I'll take what I can get, I'll get what I can take, and I don't care what God thinks, I don't care what anybody else thinks, I don't care who I hurt along the way'

When the train went off the tracks for you, how was it with your soul? Before you made that decision. What were the circumstances like? Cause adversity can reveal character, it can improve character, it can do any of those things. What's not often written about is the reality we all know well; adversity can also bring about terribly destructive moments in our lives. When the waters get choppy, they get rough for awhile, it gets dark for awhile, and you make decisions in the dark that you never would've made in the light. You freak out if the water gets choppy, and you do things that you'd never been inclined to do if things were smooth.

You go through a really rough season of life and you're trying your hardest and all of a sudden lines that you would never cross begin to look hazy and roads that you would never take begin to look very inviting because at least they will provide an ounce of escape and refuge from the hell it seems like you're walking through. And you know in your mind if you stop and play it forward it won't be wise to take those roads, but for a moment it'll offer you some comfort even if everybody else pays the toll.

And this happens. People shipwreck their character during moments of great adversity because they think the adversity is bigger than they can handle, they think it'll never end. Sometimes you just freeze a moment altogether, and you think to yourself 'This is how life will always be. Holy cow. I was trying my hardest, I was doing my devotions, I was praying regularly, and this happened to me?! I can't even see a way to fix it, I don't see how it improves, I don't see how it gets better, and why am I going to keep trying my hardest if trying my hardest brings me to this point where it doesn't seem to be doing any good? Well forget it. If it's gonna always be like this then forget it, I'll do what I want where I am.

That is a lie from the pit of hell. 'This' no matter what 'this' is, is not the way it will always be. It's not. Life is not a photo, it is a moving picture. And this too shall pass.

But this life is not all there is. Sometimes the adversity comes in the form of hurt, and will take something that hurts us and we will allow our initial, somewhat understandable reaction to turn into our long term response. And it will create a season of life, sometimes long seasons of life, where we will regret the way we live simply because we are still reacting to a hurt that somebody inflicted on us. And we can't seem to figure out how to get over it. How to get past it. And so everybody pays.

Some guy breaks your heart, and you hear in the back of your mind your mom's voice 'I told you. You should never trust a man! Never! Never never never never! They're all awful!' And see all of a sudden you go 'She was right?!' No no! She was right about that guy, Chuck! You can't trust Chuck, everybody knew that! But not every guy!

And so in your head now every single guy is not worthy of any single ounce of trust whatsoever so you always keep them at arms length and then you wonder why you can't have any sort of intimate relationship with anybody. Well you can't have any sort of intimacy with people you can't be vulnerable with. And it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. " - Isaac

HOLY COWWWW

It's always the same old story

I am beyond blessed, more then anything I deserve. But sometimes I feel like it's constantly the same old story, every time. It's either craving change, or begging that nothing ever will. And it's almost always the latter. I don't think it has anything to do with taking things for granted, but refusal of accepting anything new. Some days I just want to shut my eyes and sprint forward until everything is different, or I just want to go back.

This whole giving up control of my life is kicking my butt. Or maybe it's realizing that I never had any. I don't know.

And sometimes life feels like a timeline. But it always seems like there's not enough of it. Not enough to say I love you, not enough to say goodbye, not enough to just appreciate some moments for what they are. Sometimes I wish I could be like those people who live with no regrets, but there are so many things I wish I could take back. Lesson learned? Yes. Worth the outcome? No.

Lord, I'm trying so hard to believe you're doing something huge in my life. Because you are shaking these waters up. I hate change. And right now everything around me is. I crave control over life, and the one constant thing I feel like I had left is gone after December. There is never enough time. Dad left; it's been years, and in the back of my mind every day all I think of is everything I would give up for just one more day with the 4 of us. Or maybe some slight understanding. Either would do, because it's been 9 years. 9 freaking years and I still can't make sense of it. And where the hell do I call home? Hamilton? Albany? Fort Myers? Orlando? No home is where the heart is right?...blah blah false. Why has this stupid heart been numb for the past 3 years. Why can't I feel one single thing anymore. I think there is something seriously wrong with me. I can't even blame stupid boys. I guess when you constantly try everything to numb yourself from another broken heart guess what happens, it works. Congratulations Chrissy, now you can't feel anything.

Regardless it's been 9 years. And my Mom is happier today then she has been since then. I love her, and I am thrilled. But why do I feel like I'm running out of time. I feel like I'm losing her. And I don't have any other constant factors in my life to grab hold of anymore. I don't know what to do.