It's always the same old story

I am beyond blessed, more then anything I deserve. But sometimes I feel like it's constantly the same old story, every time. It's either craving change, or begging that nothing ever will. And it's almost always the latter. I don't think it has anything to do with taking things for granted, but refusal of accepting anything new. Some days I just want to shut my eyes and sprint forward until everything is different, or I just want to go back.

This whole giving up control of my life is kicking my butt. Or maybe it's realizing that I never had any. I don't know.

And sometimes life feels like a timeline. But it always seems like there's not enough of it. Not enough to say I love you, not enough to say goodbye, not enough to just appreciate some moments for what they are. Sometimes I wish I could be like those people who live with no regrets, but there are so many things I wish I could take back. Lesson learned? Yes. Worth the outcome? No.

Lord, I'm trying so hard to believe you're doing something huge in my life. Because you are shaking these waters up. I hate change. And right now everything around me is. I crave control over life, and the one constant thing I feel like I had left is gone after December. There is never enough time. Dad left; it's been years, and in the back of my mind every day all I think of is everything I would give up for just one more day with the 4 of us. Or maybe some slight understanding. Either would do, because it's been 9 years. 9 freaking years and I still can't make sense of it. And where the hell do I call home? Hamilton? Albany? Fort Myers? Orlando? No home is where the heart is right?...blah blah false. Why has this stupid heart been numb for the past 3 years. Why can't I feel one single thing anymore. I think there is something seriously wrong with me. I can't even blame stupid boys. I guess when you constantly try everything to numb yourself from another broken heart guess what happens, it works. Congratulations Chrissy, now you can't feel anything.

Regardless it's been 9 years. And my Mom is happier today then she has been since then. I love her, and I am thrilled. But why do I feel like I'm running out of time. I feel like I'm losing her. And I don't have any other constant factors in my life to grab hold of anymore. I don't know what to do.