January 24, 2010

Podcasted that sermon today:

"If I had known what was coming...if I had known then what I know now I would have done so many things differently. Well here's the reality--Now you know what you wish you would've known. Are you going to live differently?" - Isaac

It was more then just a comet because of what it brought to his life.

Direction, beauty, meaning.

There were many who couldn't understand,

and sometimes he walked among them.

But, even in his darkest hours,

he knew in his heart that someday it would return to him.

And his world would be whole again.

And his belief in God and love and art would be reawakened in his heart.

5 weeks

Until the end of the year. 2010 will finally be over. This whole year, this awful, horrible year, all I've wondered is how did I get here? What have I turned myself into?

"The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace"

Why do I have such a hold on how I want my life to go. And surrender everything I believe in when things don't go as I planned. It made me completely aware of how capable I am of screwing life up.

The times you doubt me. When you can't feel.

The times that you question, "Is this for real?"

Good things did happen this year. But when your worst nightmare comes true, when you literally feel you've walked through hell, when you want it to end. your heart changes.

And despite that I've gotten better, I know I still have a long way to go. But I can't wait until this year is finally over.

we all have mirrors that remind us who we are

do you want to see it?

the place where i am free?

cause in my mind i've been there

and there's no one here but me.

in the morning it'll find you

let the light shine away

Answers

The last week was a rough one. Praise God it was the first bad week I've had in almost two months. Can't get over that!

Wednesday hit me like a ton of bricks, starting at 8am in class. Talk about wanting to cry the whole time. The whole class all I was thinking was how much I wanted it to end so I could go home, crawl into bed, and not climb out for 2 weeks. I tell myself all the time I deserve every consequence He throws my way. And it was miserable. And feeling like a hypocrite was the worst. So yeah, thinking about it the entire day is an understatement.

When I finally met with Julia, happy that we would probably talk about something else; the sorority, my dad, anything else, what does she make me do? Talk her through the whole day that happened. All I could think was "you've got to be kidding me." A day I try not to ever think about. The absolute worst day of my life, and she wants details. So I start from the beginning, in pretty good detail for not thinking about some of this stuff in months. Regardless, I end up in tears at the end. What a terrible freakin day.

When I got home, all I could think about the awful mess I am capable of making my life into. And how many things I wish I could take back. And why would Jesus ever forgive me if I can't. So instead of opening my bible looking for answers, I watched One Tree Hill. Good.

Halfway into the show, this song comes on in the background. I loved it instantly. So I randomly pause the show to google this song trying to find it. The second I started reading the lyrics I was floored. I know that the two biggest ways I connect to God is through nature and music. These lyrics was God shouting at me, saying "I am bigger than the rain. And the sun. And to stop trying to run away from him every single time the rain comes back."

"You carried all my shame

when you called my name.

I am not the same."

- Andrew Ripp "You Will Find Me"

Or maybe it's you and your sick need

to give love and take it away.

And you'll add my name to your long list of traitors

Who don't understand.

And i'll look back in regret, how I ignored when they said

Run as fast as you can.

and everyday

you come closer to me

everyday you are more real to me

more and more you fit me like my skin

more and more our love wears this veil thin

you hold me like a lover

you laugh with me like a friend

and you fill me with this longing

so you can come and be my satisfaction

Bit by bit

I am slowly getting better. Life is getting easier.

Even with running, I ran nine on Monday. NINE! The last time I ran that far? Beginning of January. I am finally getting back to myself.

Today was the first run that I actually got faster as I ran.

Granted I only ran 4 miles, but I am finally loving it again. Pounding on the pavement in this amazing weather, blasting my favorite music...life is good again. And ok maybe I'm still not at the pace I used to be at, but bit by bit I am getting better. And running and life, are slowly becoming easier.

"I don't fear tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday"

It doesn't happen overnight,

but you turn around

and a month's gone by.

And you realize

you haven't cried.

Baptism

"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians 4:22-24

Last Sunday, I got baptized. It was the best day of my life.

First spending the whole day at the beach w/ Linds Rach & Lauren, and then affirming my faith, after the absolute worst year of my life made it to be a pretty great day. Honestly, just looking out into the ocean and the horizon that whole day made me remember that this thing is all temporary. But it's still beautiful if you focus on that.

He has given me a peace in the past few weeks I never thought I would ever get back again. He washed away all of it; the sin, the hurt, the regret, the depression, all of it. Walking out into the water was the best moment. "Forgetting what is behind, and straining toward what is ahead." Phil 3:13. October 24. The water in the Atlantic Ocean is freezing. We were laughing all day how it was going to be so cold when I walked out there.

It was warm. I can't describe it any other way, the water that was so cold all day was warm. They baptized me, and I got to walk back to shore and see 12 of my sisters waiting for me. I am so amazed and blessed they all came out for it. Yet the one image that I don't think will leave my head happened right before the baptism. I was waiting under the tent on the shore, and Lindsay and Rachael walked over and just stood there holding hands and both smiling so wide. And that was when I realized they were still here. My two best friends. The ones who saw every single thing. The only two people I let into the worst 10 months of my life. The only ones who told me day after day, there would be light again. They were still here. After everything. They hadn't left me, regardless of all the crap I know I had put them through. And here they were, on the best day of my life. I am blessed beyond comprehension.

"A new command I give you; Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 13:34

I'm not the most knowledgeable Christian. All I know is that I was so lost and He found me in the pit. I wore my sin every day of my life, and He made me realize Jesus already wore my sin and died with it on Him so I wouldn't have to. I wallowed every single day in the darkness, and He finally opened up the door, and showed me the light again.

Concentration

Is SO absent from my mind lately. Physio quiz tomorrow and I have literally been staring at this stuff ALL day and have not retained a thing. That's always a good thing. Good grief I already want a break from school and it's just October.

Last weekend at home was great! Good to get out of Orlando for a little bit and just have a different scene for a few days. Except I realized one thing when I was home...I can't stand business, or math, or anything to do with numbers. Why would I ever think about getting my Master's in Sports Business Management? Selfishly I know it's because I'm scared I won't make enough money after college, if Nutrition & PT fall through. Why do we make money our idols? Seriously though...we plan our careers and life tracks on how we can make enough to be "comfortable". Comfortable? Sounds a lot like settling to me.

I guess the problem is I just don't know the jobs that are out there. I love working out, being outdoors, helping people, volunteering, and making people happy. Any job out there that requires all that?!

Lately

It's harder then I thought it was gonna be. I guess I can phrase it like that. Rachael says I'm depressed, and maybe I am. Some days are seriously perfectly fine, I go to school, go to work, just go through the motions and that's just how it is.

But somedays, like today, it's literally a struggle to even get out of my bed. I just don't want to do anything, because I don't care about anything anymore. I don't even know what I like to do anymore. I don't even know who I am.

All I know is that there is a 10lb weight inside of me weighing me down. At the end of the day that's the one thing I know will still be there. The heaviness. I can't take it anymore. I want to be free from this.

I'm sure this is a depressing post, not like I use this much. I actually think I'm just writing to myself. But this is my life as of right now. I'm in pain. I'm not okay.

I want to wake up one morning and feel like I used to. If the sun is shining and I live with my best friend I should be happy all the time. I want to be able to run again. I want to love my sorority again. I don't want to think of my life as something everyone would have been better off without. I want to be myself again. I want happiness.

And so it begins...

Well, in 5 days, but still. Summer is ending and school is next week...greeaaattt.

Recap

I have the best friends in the world. And I got to hang out with them all summer.

For starters, New York was amazing.

I got to go with my best friend for the 4th of july, see my dad, and hang out in the city for 5 days? SO FUN!

I started working at Nike again. Finally have some type of idea what I want to do after I graduate? Ha it will probably change in 2 months.

- Go to grad school at ucf for sports business management

- Graduate from it :)

- Move to Portland & work for Nike Corporate

- And somewhere in between there God is gonna change all those plans around, ha why do we even make schedules when He likes to spice everything up for us

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Regardless--this summer was so LONG!

A good thing...especially after last semester.

Some favorite parts of summer :)

- Driving to Cocoa w/ LB at 9 at night to kick off summer and having the most epic time

- Kasey's 21st Bday

- New York...obv!

- Roadtrip to Charleston w/ Katelyn

- Moving into the Townhouse!

- I guess...having jobs @ nike & ucf giving tours haha CASH FLOWWW

- Trying to hit 100 miles in Aug (still tryinggg :)

- Holly came home!

- Finally read Redeeming Love

- NSCA conference

- Realizing I got everything done on the checklist Rachy made me in May :)

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A few things I have learned since last summer, is definitely God brings the people in your life to you, when He needs them to find you. His plan for your life is far greater than you could have ever imagined, beyond your wildest dreams, for better or for worse.

And when we finally reach the end of ourselves, the very second everything seems incomprehensible and nothing makes sense, He is still there.

LOVE EXISTS. It is real, it is tangible, and it is everywhere.

______________________________________________________________

"Love the Lord your God, and love one another. Love one another as he loves. Love with strength and purpose and passion and no matter what comes against you. Don't weaken. Stand against the darkness, and love. That's the way back into Eden. That's the way back to life." - Redeeming Love

2 months into summer

For starters, I never understood why people kept blogs. Yet here I am. I guess I'm pretty much just writing to myself, because no one would be interested to read about Life According to Chrissy. Sound like a TV show huh? It would probably have a lot of scenes like this:

- Trips to publix, gas stations and the occasional (ok but actually so consistently regular, I guess we can call it all the time) trips to go get ice cream. Yes that is my life in a nutshell this summer thanks to Florida having a heat index of 265 degress and pretty much walking into an oven every time you step foot outside. So clearly I have put my running on hold. But then again let's be honest, the heat hasn't stopped me any other summer...so okay yes I've been lazy. Doing what?

Nothing. Exciting I know. Officially 2 months into summer and have done nothing with myself. Besides working, then having to buy gas, to go to work again. I think it's this dumb cycle that makes me tired all the time. But regardless, I was so excited to stay in Orlando this summer, and now for the life of me I can't imagine why. Allie's in Spain, Holly's in Nicaragua, Rachael just got back from Africa, and I went to Target today. Pathetic? YES!

But it actually looks up now! I leave for NY Thursday with Rach so summer might not be staying so dull afterall! Hmm we will find out.