He said it's crazy, how love stays with me.

You know, and it hurts me,

Cause I don't wanna fight this war.

To the younger me

There is a lot I wish you understood back then, but I don't think you would have been ready to know it yet. First and foremost I want you to know that your parents love you. And I promise you they tried to make it work - for you. You're right, this is an awful time. But soon you will get to move 2000 miles away, and not every person in town will know what happened to your family.


I am proud of the smile you wear everyday. Sometimes I still wonder where your strength came from so young. But please don't forget to be true to yourself. Be honest about how you feel. It matters. I know you think that no friend cares at all. But eventually you will have a friend who knows you inside out. You don't have to keep trying to be someone you're not to fit in. I promise you, one day you will find the best friend you have been looking for.


Put down the magazines that tell you how to dress and act. I know it's only because you think you're not good enough for anyone. That you need to change. You are the way God intended you to be. You are beautiful and smart. Don't forget to remind the future you of that too, she forgets sometimes.


Stay true to what you know is right. I know you just want to be loved, but this boy will not offer that. You never fully trust him and you will trick yourself into thinking that's what love is about. Don't define all men by the only two male relationships you have ever known. Seek Christ. I promise you, it is the love you have been looking for all along.


The ones who hurt you, forgive them. I know it sounds crazy. I know you think they ruined everything, but let me tell you something. In a few years, you're going to really screw up big time. More then any human being probably should. And your heavenly father is going to forgive you of that. So you can forgive yours.


Keep believing that love can save the day. Keep believing that there is always good in people. But stop trying to force it. You are not in control. In fact the more you begin to think you have control, the more out of control your life will get. If you are confused to what I am talking about, read the paragraph above, and wait seven years. You will understand then.


There will be a day this will all make sense. You will realize what your purpose here on Earth is and why you have your passions. Keep laughing. Keep smiling. Keep hope. Have faith. Everything is going to be okay. I can promise you that.

One year

Going to the Blue Like Jazz screening today made me want to whip out my favorite D.Miller book. If you haven't read A Million Miles in a Thousand Years - do yourself a favor and go buy it, borrow it, whatever you have to do to read this book.

"Writing a story isn't about making your peaceful fantasies come true. The whole point of the story is the character arc. You didn't think joy could change a person did you? Joy is what you feel when the conflict is over. But it's conflict that changes a person. You put your characters through hell. You put them through hell. That's the only way we change."

The fact that tomorrow is the last day. The fact that it's only been a year. That God could transform how He did. That the dark will never outshine the light. That He wants to use our stories - even the ones where we don't choose Him. Especially those. It shows a glimpse of hell. Of what walking away from God looks like and what life without Him will turn into. Ashes are not the ultimate end - because that's how He makes beautiful things - out of the dust.

But there has to be an abrupt change to that story before transformation can occur. Where there is no going back, and at this point no going forward because you can't even see past today. You can't even imagine tomorrow, let alone a full year from now.

And here I am. A year later. Because of grace, forgiveness, and total sovereignty. And the story isn't about the tree. It's about how the tree is a part of something much bigger then all of the mess. The tree is a part of the forest. That's what the story is about. The forest.

It's always God's story - never our own.

"And that first time will be a building block to construct a bridge of healing that one day - that today - you will walk across." - The Shack

"If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is" -Unknown

When I think about my struggles with control, I realize I live too much in the past, and directly apply that to the future. It's crazy how much I worry about history repeating itself - and forget to live in today. I battle with this monster of control and it causes me to miss opportunities due to a debilitating fear.

Sometimes terrible things happen, to everyone. Yet I will find myself looking back on events as if they were happening to me now. And sometimes those memories, especially the ones you want to forget, can be so vivid and real it looks as if it were yesterday. But by failing to fully let go of the past - I fail to move forward in the future. No wonder I've felt so stuck. Forgiveness is a choice, but once you do, you're free.

Control is an illusion, anyway. I can't control what happens - but I can control how it gets dealt with. I can run. I can write. I can be honest with how I feel. I can risk more. Oh and I can be organized - Holy cow does that do wonders for your mind. Physical clutter turns into mind clutter and removing everything but the essentials restores the tranquility to remind us what is important.

Insanity: Repeating the same action over and over again and expecting different results. If behaviors, thoughts, actions don't change, there is no growth. My new goal is to live in the present as much as possible. Something I found in Naples last time I was home stated this - which now is taped onto my mirror so I can see it every day.

1. Love is why we are here

2. The most important day is today

3. Sometimes a wrong turn can bring you to exactly the right place

4. Sometimes when you think the answer is "no" - it's "not yet"

5. For all your accomplishments, nothing will bring you more joy than the love you find

Give me Faith

I need you. To soften my heart. And break me apart. I need you. To pierce through the dark. And cleanse every part of me. Cause all I am, I surrender. Give me faith, to trust what you say. That you're good, and your love is great. I'm broken inside, I give you my life.

I may be weak, but your spirit's strong in me. My flesh may fail, but my God you never will.

For as much as she stumbled she's running.

For as much as she runs she's still here.

Always trying to find something quicker than heaven

To make the damage of her days disappear.

Holy cowwww

Talk about a sermon hitting you right in the face. During the week that I've had more flashbacks then I have in the last year, and done more sulking and spending too much time focused on regret. And refusal to move forward. And trying to keep it all in. Smacked right in the face.

"If you did it willfully. And you just said 'You know what? Forget it. I'll do what I want. If this is how life is I'll take what I can get, I'll get what I can take, and I don't care what God thinks, I don't care what anybody else thinks, I don't care who I hurt along the way'

When the train went off the tracks for you, how was it with your soul? Before you made that decision. What were the circumstances like? Cause adversity can reveal character, it can improve character, it can do any of those things. What's not often written about is the reality we all know well; adversity can also bring about terribly destructive moments in our lives. When the waters get choppy, they get rough for awhile, it gets dark for awhile, and you make decisions in the dark that you never would've made in the light. You freak out if the water gets choppy, and you do things that you'd never been inclined to do if things were smooth.

You go through a really rough season of life and you're trying your hardest and all of a sudden lines that you would never cross begin to look hazy and roads that you would never take begin to look very inviting because at least they will provide an ounce of escape and refuge from the hell it seems like you're walking through. And you know in your mind if you stop and play it forward it won't be wise to take those roads, but for a moment it'll offer you some comfort even if everybody else pays the toll.

And this happens. People shipwreck their character during moments of great adversity because they think the adversity is bigger than they can handle, they think it'll never end. Sometimes you just freeze a moment altogether, and you think to yourself 'This is how life will always be. Holy cow. I was trying my hardest, I was doing my devotions, I was praying regularly, and this happened to me?! I can't even see a way to fix it, I don't see how it improves, I don't see how it gets better, and why am I going to keep trying my hardest if trying my hardest brings me to this point where it doesn't seem to be doing any good? Well forget it. If it's gonna always be like this then forget it, I'll do what I want where I am.

That is a lie from the pit of hell. 'This' no matter what 'this' is, is not the way it will always be. It's not. Life is not a photo, it is a moving picture. And this too shall pass.

But this life is not all there is. Sometimes the adversity comes in the form of hurt, and will take something that hurts us and we will allow our initial, somewhat understandable reaction to turn into our long term response. And it will create a season of life, sometimes long seasons of life, where we will regret the way we live simply because we are still reacting to a hurt that somebody inflicted on us. And we can't seem to figure out how to get over it. How to get past it. And so everybody pays.

Some guy breaks your heart, and you hear in the back of your mind your mom's voice 'I told you. You should never trust a man! Never! Never never never never! They're all awful!' And see all of a sudden you go 'She was right?!' No no! She was right about that guy, Chuck! You can't trust Chuck, everybody knew that! But not every guy!

And so in your head now every single guy is not worthy of any single ounce of trust whatsoever so you always keep them at arms length and then you wonder why you can't have any sort of intimate relationship with anybody. Well you can't have any sort of intimacy with people you can't be vulnerable with. And it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. " - Isaac

HOLY COWWWW

It's always the same old story

I am beyond blessed, more then anything I deserve. But sometimes I feel like it's constantly the same old story, every time. It's either craving change, or begging that nothing ever will. And it's almost always the latter. I don't think it has anything to do with taking things for granted, but refusal of accepting anything new. Some days I just want to shut my eyes and sprint forward until everything is different, or I just want to go back.

This whole giving up control of my life is kicking my butt. Or maybe it's realizing that I never had any. I don't know.

And sometimes life feels like a timeline. But it always seems like there's not enough of it. Not enough to say I love you, not enough to say goodbye, not enough to just appreciate some moments for what they are. Sometimes I wish I could be like those people who live with no regrets, but there are so many things I wish I could take back. Lesson learned? Yes. Worth the outcome? No.

Lord, I'm trying so hard to believe you're doing something huge in my life. Because you are shaking these waters up. I hate change. And right now everything around me is. I crave control over life, and the one constant thing I feel like I had left is gone after December. There is never enough time. Dad left; it's been years, and in the back of my mind every day all I think of is everything I would give up for just one more day with the 4 of us. Or maybe some slight understanding. Either would do, because it's been 9 years. 9 freaking years and I still can't make sense of it. And where the hell do I call home? Hamilton? Albany? Fort Myers? Orlando? No home is where the heart is right?...blah blah false. Why has this stupid heart been numb for the past 3 years. Why can't I feel one single thing anymore. I think there is something seriously wrong with me. I can't even blame stupid boys. I guess when you constantly try everything to numb yourself from another broken heart guess what happens, it works. Congratulations Chrissy, now you can't feel anything.

Regardless it's been 9 years. And my Mom is happier today then she has been since then. I love her, and I am thrilled. But why do I feel like I'm running out of time. I feel like I'm losing her. And I don't have any other constant factors in my life to grab hold of anymore. I don't know what to do.

Peace

In the craziness of this week, which could possibly be one of the most stressful weeks of life, where everything is constantly go-go-go, i find peace.

I find stillness.

There is nothing anxious about this moment.

Except that tomorrow will come and go just as fast as it always does. Prayer is a powerful thing.

I think I am just thankful. And way too blessed. Beyond anything that I deserve.

I love that though, the permanent anxiousness is gone. And the constant feeling of unrest. Things started turning around when I realized I don't have to do this on my own. And today being able to reflect over the last 8 or 9 months with Julia made me realize how much God has allowed me to grow. She has impacted me more then I think she will ever know.

It's a process, and it's a long one. And it forces you to stop running away. But I don't think I wanted to believe that going in. I wanted instant peace. And I wanted to bring it about myself, I think the problem all along was that I always thought I could.

I think the day it changed was at the end of summer. After months of no sleep. And finding every job to fill the book. And constantly running away from the problem. And just complete exhaustion, I fell on my face. Literally. I remember just hitting the ground, sobbing and crying hysterically on my bedroom floor because nothing was getting better. I was broken and tired. I couldn't get up on my own anymore.

The friends that come down and meet you in the darkness are the ones that matter. Especially the ones who are patient with you when you refuse to leave it. Especially the ones who they help guide you out. Or the friend who lays down next to you while you cry your eyes out and constantly tell you it doesn't have to be this way. And want to be at least a part of helping fix it. For the record, Rachy is best friend in the world.

So I can sit here now, in this crazy stillness, looking at a list of all that has to get done, and knowing tomorrow will be nuts. But I'm not anxious. And knowing I will get a full nights rest. And for the record there is a huge difference between sleep and rest. And despite the fact I'm about to switch the route of my major, and failing my first class in college, and having no clue what I'm going to do in a year when I graduate, I am at peace. And at the end of the day, none of those things define me.

I am in Christ. And despite everything, and every event and situation that's happened, none of that makes me who I am. But every event and situation led me to who He designed me to be. It's crazy, insane, and wonderful all at the same time. It's God. It's Jesus. It's love.

And I can look at the list on my bulletin board Lindsay made me in August and believe it: Repent, forgive yourself, bring it to the light, let it go, move on.

I thought she was nuts. There was no way any of this could happen.

And it's been a process, and I'm not even sure if it's over yet. But it's real. And I have peace. And forgiveness. And friends who met me in the dark. And I am so thankful.

"I'm so forgetful but you always remind me, You're the only one who brings me peace"

I am

I am the nail in your wrist,

but you love me anyway.

I am Judas's kiss,

but you love me anyway.

I am the one who yelled out from the crowd

for your blood to be spilled

on this earth shaking ground.

Yes then I turned away

with a smile on my face.

With this sin in my heart

tried to bury your grace.

Then alone in the night

I still called out for you.

Learning

I think for the longest time I tried to make sense of all of it. That there was a reason for it all and that my happy ending was going to be so immense, and so great, that there would be no way to imagine arriving at it a different way. But that's not always the case. Actually it never is.

I'm constantly trying to find a reason. As we all do. Why did this happen. Who can I blame. Why me. There has to be a reason. But reason has it's limits. It might just not make sense, because reason will fail. Even more, I will fail. But love doesn't. Grace doesn't. Jesus doesn't.

"It took more then my strength to simply be still. To seek but never find."

But sometimes, things that seem unreasonable, can slowly begin to make sense. And it took a year. But I am realizing I have a much bigger part in this story than I ever began to imagine. And He has a far greater plan.

I guess you could say I'm learning that I'm learning. Humility is beautiful.

The sky has made it back to blue.

Everything that's left is telling us

the worst of it is through

love this so much!

You closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too-even when you are in the dark. Even when you're falling

Jesus said the truth will set us free

And for the first time in my life, I am starting to believe it.

5 steps forward, 10 steps back

dont give up on me now

im so close to you now

im in need of your grace today